My honest account of truly unexpected experiences. . .

Preface & Introduction To My Story

My name is Donna Powell. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer on September 26, 2016. On that day, after being told the news, I was completely calm, resolved, and honestly joyful. I remember walking out to my car, just wanting to talk to God. I didn’t cry. I just began to pray, not to be healed, but to do this cancer journey well. I wasn't in denial. I completely embraced this new season of my life. My question was never, “Why me?” My thought was always, “Why not me?” I instinctively knew I was going to meet and know more of my God through this process. I was excited more than any other emotion. I was finally feeling joy, real joy. It was not in my mind, body, or soul to see to the final outcome. That was none of my business.

I feel that my story really began on September 14, 2014. That was the day my beautiful 25-year-old son left this planet. I was completely gutted. Everything about me was in pieces. I was. . .no more. The person I was, was gone, instantly.  The agony I felt had no words. The pain in my head and heart were killing me from the inside out. Day after day it became deeper and darker to remain living. What was the point? I felt I no longer had a useful place on the planet. It wasn't rational, but to me the whole situation was unreasonable. I saw my life as wasted and a complete devastation.  I occasionally tried to see my usefulness in life, but it always ended in the question, “Why am I even here?” I no longer wanted to be here. It's ugly and painful. I always wanted to make a difference, but now I felt that the lives that met with mine were not benefiting or changed for the better because I existed. I begged every day for God to get me out of here. 

I was done living. I poured 25 years of love, tears, and prayers over that exceptional human being. He was unique beyond words and levels ahead of anyone in our family… and really everybody. He was the third youngest of our family of eight, but we were learning so much from him. He was kind, sensitive, educated, loving, fatherly, dedicated, loyal, artistic, joyful, patient, adventurous, risky, tolerant, quiet, fun, spiritual, creatively skillful, and respectful. I could honestly fill the page with adjectives that describe him well. He really was quite a unique and wonderful human being. He was a good husband, father, brother, nephew, cousin, and friend. He was an exceptional son. He never said a harsh word to me and was never disrespectful. I feel like he truly honored me in the way he treated me. He spoke to me with nothing but love. I’ve received no less from his beautiful wife and son and subsequently, from my new son-in-law. 

Honestly, all my children have treated me with honor and in love. I’m well aware of how uniquely blessed I am as a mom. My six children have always gotten along well, but now they're each other’s best friends. They’ve only gotten closer over the last six years. Because Steven is no longer with us, there’s an enormous hole in all of us. No matter what we’re doing, no one says it, but we all know and are keenly aware that something huge is, and always will be, missing. I, for one, cannot dwell on images or look at photos of him to this day, or I find myself an emotional puddle. I have to block it out. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. 

This is what a family friend and witness to my son’s life wrote and had to say of him, “Why is it, some of the most powerful witnesses come out of a memorial service? I was humbled this past Friday, as I listened to people speak of an artist, woodworker, lover of Christ, humble, eclectic, funny, witty, kind, reverent, father, husband, son, brother - all and more by the age of 25. We should all live our lives as this young man, so we too can be witnesses at our own memorial service.” 

I’ve always loved this and think my son truly lived this way and would have been humbled by these lovely words. 

That being said, God has taken me on a journey I could never have dreamed of, even in my wildest imagination. He knew I was wallowing in death and darkness, but He had bigger plans for me. I was always one of those people who tried not to break the rules. I never saw the benefit, really. “DON’T CAUSE TROUBLE!”, I was always told and would often tell myself. I think this mindset has everything to do with the way I was raised and having to take care of my three younger sisters from a very young age. I didn’t do drugs, drink alcohol, swear, get piercings or tattoos, wasn't promiscuous and I always went to church. I was a great daughter. I was obedient and didn’t question authority. Now…I question EVERYTHING and ask myself, “If not now, when?” I ponder, meditate, and pray over things I previously took for granted. Because of what I’ve come to know of my God over the last six years, I’m far less judgmental and much more open-minded, accepting, and loving than I once was. I recognize this in myself, which is in itself a miracle. God can and will “un-condition” anyone, at will. 

Humbly, I do say, I was always pretty tender-hearted and compassionate. However, He did give me three words to remove from my character early on… Obstinate, Defiant, and Rebellious. The process of letting go was so gradual, I don’t even know when I changed, but I did. This gradual transformation was in preparation for the wild adventure that was about to begin on my very first chemo day. I look back and laugh at myself. On my first chemo day, I brought with me a bag filled with essentials to fill the time. . .my blanket, movies, mini tv, books, chargers, journal, food, and a drink. Nothing made it out of my bag. As soon as my labs were okayed and my chemo drip began, I was on a ride that God planned for me. . .or rather gifted for me. 

I immediately began experiencing something like a hallucination. I had no idea what was happening. This was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. All my senses became heightened. I felt I had control over little to nothing.  I was shown images and visuals. I had conversations with God, family, people who had passed, and animals. At the beginning of each of my journeys on chemo days, I questioned the soundness and truth of it all. It just wasn’t logical to me. Why was this happening? How? There had to be hallucinogens in my drip, surely. Once my nurses and doctor confirmed the absence of hallucinogens, I knew without doubt, this was something that God was choosing to do for me. Not only was I going to be shown life lessons on each chemo day, but I was also going to see that I still had value and that God would still use me, even in my horrible brokenness. Joy was going to fill me up and I knew it from the very first day. I was going to see myself and love my life, maybe for the very first time. This was definitely intentional on God’s part. Can’t you just feel the love about to happen here?

I wish I could draw the images I was shown on these days. I wish I could accurately express the lessons I was given about God, life, my life, people, and my cancer. It was frustrating not being able to express, in words, what I experienced during my chemo sessions. I was disappointed with myself for not being able to fully remember what I experienced each time. What I failed to recognize early on was that everything was happening just as it was supposed to happen. It was the exact intent. I actually could remember, but I couldn’t for the life of me express it in words. This also was God’s exact intent. This was FOR me. This was my path to walk. I prayed every week that He would meet me in that infusion room, but also that I wouldn’t expect it and would not take it for granted. But… I knew God was at work here and I looked for it. I feel thankful and blessed and ready for whatever is planned for me. 

I have nothing but abundant love to any and all who might read my adventures. I hope you enjoy and see the possibilities for God’s work in your life as well. My story is your story. We are all intricately connected. What you are about to read, should you choose to, is the best possible way I can put to words what I saw, what I heard, and what I felt during my chemo days. I know what you may think, not even halfway through reading this. I was there… I too, would be rolling my eyes and concerned for my mental wellbeing perhaps. I just ask that you be open-minded, give me grace, know God can do anything, and just be happy for me. 

After having dozens of these beautiful experiences on my chemo days, I would go home and hardly be able to think of anything else. I would be mentally dissecting them for days. Some would process out in a day, some would take weeks and some I’m still gleaning epiphanies from. Something might begin to process out while hanging out with my grandchildren…I just never know. What I do know is that when this all started, I was looking for the profound, the fantastical, the utterly amazing. After all, this was God we’re talking about here. Nothing is impossible. I’ve learned over these last six years, that the “God” I was taught about for over five decades, was not the “God” I’ve come to know for myself. I, and many others, had and still have God in a box; this is who He is, this is what He does, this is what He’s capable of, etc. God is so much more. He’s so much bigger. Perhaps it was intentional centuries ago. Perhaps it was fear. Perhaps something can’t happen because it wasn't personally experienced by someone in authority.

Well, it was about a year into it, when I realized the utter simplicity of my story. Every single last line of every lesson, ended with the word love. Some of my days, images, and lessons were harsh, but it all came down to loving well.  What a simple, uncomplicated little word.  If all of our human flaws and weaknesses in character could be traded out for a selfless, loving heart. . . this planet, this life, our world would change. We, in our prideful existence, think we have to and can fix things. We complicate everything, even the simplest of things. None of this is a surprise to God. He is LOVE and that's all He asks us to do. Even with the 10 commandments, every one of them comes down to love. Get out of your own head. Realize you are ever so small in this great big place and that's good enough for God. You were enough from the moment you were conceived. He made you perfectly. You are enough and He couldn't love you more. Set yourself up for success. Love well and intentionally and you're on your way!  

And so begins the adventures. . .